Pencil Maker’s 4th Lesson: In Life You Will Undergo Painful Sharpenings Which Will Only Make You Better

Posted on January 11, 2011 by viviankirkfield

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Have you ever watched a blacksmith working on a piece of iron? He handles it with long tongs and repeatedly passes the metal through the flames to heat it while he works on it. This tempers the iron and makes it stronger.

Life is like that with us. Some of us have to go through many painful experiences…emotional and/or physical. But when we emerge, we are stronger. Most of the time, we don’t purposely “walk into the fire”. When you think about it though, every time we step out of our “comfort zone” and learn a new skill or master a new task or take a new job or begin a new relationship, we are allowing ourselves to be tested and improved. This is lesson #4 of the pencil maker: In Life You Will Undergo Painful Sharpenings Which Will Only Make You Better.

How can we relate this to parenting? Our children look to us for guidance and direction as each day they face new experiences, develop new relationships and have to master new skills and tasks. If you think about it, young children are undergoing painful sharpenings on a daily basis.

1. We need to be good role models…you need to walk the walk, as they say, not just talk the talk. Don’t expect your children to follow one mode of behavior while you follow another.

2. We need to be caring of others…not only those we know like our friends and family. Help your children learn to reach out to others by sponsoring a child in a third world country or choosing to help out at a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Make a family project of going through your children’s toys, books and clothes (and your own) and donate to a local shelter. Decide to give up going to the movies and eating out and get a free movie from your local library and have sandwiches at home instead…use the money you save to shop with your children for canned goods and bring them to a local food bank.

3. When your child experiences a sharpening in his or her life, be there in a supportive and loving role…if a beloved hamster dies, don’t make light of it even if the hamster wasn’t important to you. Treat your child’s feelings of grief and sadness with respect.

4. When you experience a sharpening in your life, such as losing a job or dealing with a serious health problem, try to be honest with your children. Young children can be tender and compassionate if you give them the opportunity and their self-esteem soars when you give them respect and listen to their suggestions.

5. We all want to protect our children from sadness or unhappiness…but these emotions are a part of life…sheltering a child from ever experiencing these feeling will not enable him to learn to cope with the challenges life will inevitably bring his way.

The frightening tragedy this past week has left many, both adults and children, dealing with a plethora of negative feelings: pain, disbelief, anger, sadness. Reading a children’s picture book will not take these feelings away, but it can open a window for discussion and allow a child to be more comfortable talking about his feelings or concerns. A few good children’s picture books for acknowledging and coping with grief and sadness are:

AFTER CHARLOTTE’S MOM DIED written by Cornelia Spelman

NANA UPSTAIRS, NANA DOWNSTAIRS written and illustrated by Tomie dePaola

GOODBYE MOUSIE written by Robie Harris

Tune in tomorrow for the last lesson of the Pencil Maker: To Be The Best Pencil, You must Allow Yourself To Be Held And Guided By The Hand That Holds You.

Everything You Do Will Always Leave A Mark

Posted on January 8, 2011 by viviankirkfield

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Have you heard the story of the pencil maker and the five important lessons he told the pencil just before putting it in the box?

When I heard the story, I was struck by the parallel between a pencil and a parent. This post is the first of five that will consider those five lessons.

LESSON #1: EVERYTHING YOU DO WILL ALWAYS MAKE A MARK

Kind of scary, isn’t it, especially when you’re a parent? We’re not talking about leaving a physical mark – although unfortunately, that happens all too often, especially as people get stressed with financial worries, health problems, and relationship issues. The scars caused by verbal and emotional abuse can be more dangerous than the physical ones. They are not seen and often not addressed – and they can last forever, affecting a person’s ability to connect with others and reach their own potential.

Children are very vulnerable because they view their parents as PERFECT HEROES, at least when they are very young.

So, how can we leave “positive marks” on our children? I’m an advocate of Positive Parental Participation…the joyful, non-judgmental interaction of parent with child. This method of parenting

Does NOT allow children to do as they please, nor does it encourage the child to make the rules.
Does call for setting routines, encouraging independence and responsible behavior, creating a balanced day and, above all, loving your child unconditionally.
Does allow for appropriate consequences if a child misbehaves.
Does encourage spending quality time with your child – reading, crafting, cooking or doing whatever activities you enjoy together. Make mundane chores like cleaning the house a fun-filled experience by listening to music and dancing and dusting together.
Does support listening to your child with respect when he has something to say. Take his opinions and comments seriously. The bond you build with your child today will bear fruit in later years when he needs to share his problems and concerns and he turns to you.

This is easy advice to give – but I’ve been there and I do realize it is not always easy to accomplish and put into practice. And what if you are going through a difficult time with finances, health or relationships?

PLEASE – ASK FOR HELP! Your family doctor, religious advisor or even a good friend can listen and direct you to other sources of help. Local support groups exist for just about every issue you may be dealing with. In fact, JUST TALKING about your problem can help lift part of the burden. There are ALWAYS OTHER OPTIONS, no matter how frustrated or hopeless you feel. It’s really important, especially as a parent, to work at resolving your issues so that you will be able to be the person you were meant to be and the parent that your children need you to be.

Tune in tomorrow for the pencil maker’s Lesson #2: You Can Always Correct the Mistakes That You Make.

Why are parents anxious about sending their children to school?

Posted on August 1, 2010 by viviankirkfield

For the past couple of days, I’ve been sharing my thoughts about the 1st day of school and how to help your child with any fears or anxieties he may have.

But, what about your fears and anxieties? Many of you have concerns about your child attending school and the concerns can mushroom as your child gets older. That’s probably why many parents are turning to homeschooling in recent years. According to an article in USA Today (1/2009) based on a government survey, homeschooling increased 74% from 1999 to 2007.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-01-04-homeschooling_N.htm

So, what are some of the top fears and concerns you may have about sending your child off to her first day of school?

Your child may be bullied or hurt by other children.
Your child may be made fun of because of his name, appearance, or style of speech or clothing.
The teacher may not be structured enough or may be too structured or may not understand your child or may not be attentive enough to your child.
There may be unsafe conditions at the school.
Your child may be in an accident traveling to or from school whether he walks, takes the bus or is driven by you or another adult.
Your child may hear things or be taught things that are not acceptable in your home.
Your child may be afraid or too shy to speak up for herself (to ask to use the bathroom or if she needs something).
Your child may not “fit” in.
Your child may reveal a family secret or personal information.
You may miss your child.

The key word in each concern is MAY….we are worrying about possibilities, not actualities. Tomorrow I plan to blog about some steps you can take (other than keeping your child at home) that address many of these concerns and may alleviate some of your anxieties.

Also, I’m sure there are other concerns that I haven’t mentioned. Why not post a comment and share yours?